Tuesday, March 24, 2015

Things You Should Know. *Written November 2008*

I've never been able to effectively show how I feel. (These are your words)

Not once have I been acussed of not being loving, caring, and being there for her. (also your words)

I'm sorry if after 40 years i decide to focus on myself a bit (your words again)

All of the above does not make for a successful loving relationship. PERIOD.
I apologize for not putting up with all the contradictions. There was more of them than anything else.

When I came back to be with you for good, you had been flown to Texas for the weekend.

I would have stayed by your side and worked through the good, bad and the ugly.

I know ALL about the Ugly.

I was smart enough to recognize the REAL issues and hold you AND MYSELF accountable. This is why we are apart.

I loved myself enough to not tolerate the disrespect. This is why we are apart.

My fantasy man is one who keeps his word, doesn't cheat, manipulate, doesn't abuse emotionally, mentally, physically or spiritually.

The fantasy man I expected was only the one you presented to me.

Do impartial people know ALL the facts and all the dirty little secrets? Naw, they never do.

I love your people. They were good to me and protected me. I pray for them daily.

I pray for you daily as well.

I loved you enough to expect from you ONLY what you promised.

I believed everything you promised.

Our deepest emotions are wounded because of our deep love for each other.

You still love me. No amount of women you have running in and out of your life will change that.

Quality, not quanity

In the beginning, it felt right because it WAS right.

As I recall there was limited access to www in the beginning.

There is a pattern. To you it's oblivious, to everyone around you, it's SCREAMING.

Serving God and your fellow man is what will truly fulfill your life, and most times it's not convenient to do so.

You are only lonely because you chose to be alone years ago and now lack the emotional skill needed to be with someone foreal.

No electronic will ever permanently fill that void you are using it for

Most people who isolate themselves are hiding who they truly are and their behaviors.

No matter what you attempt to hide from those you love, God knows.

I loved you even with your addictions.... ALL of them (told you I know about the ugly, too)

You chose the virtual and temporal relationships over me.

Thank You.

No matter who we end up with, our hands will still always fit perfectly together.

We reap what we sow and our lives are direct reflections of it.

You deserve to be respected and loved, not feared.

I'm not the one who fears you.

Think about what you really want, ask God how you can accomplish it and be willing to do what it takes to get there.

Don't expect someone else to get you there.

After a while no one is going to help you more than you are willing to help yourself

Be worthy and somewhat equal to the person you really want. God will not bring someone down to our level because we fall in love. But he will surely try to raise us up to theirs if we're willing.


Be the kind of spouse you would want your children to marry. (How's that for perspective)

Most of the things we try to protect our children from, are exposed to them in the home by US (how's that for a shocker)

We could be amazing friends :)

You learned alot from me but are too proud, arrogant and weak to ever admit it.

I learned from you as well, mostly about myself. I'm forever grateful for that.

If you feel like a creep, maybe it's because you just might be.

I loved you enough to be honest and not lie and sugar coat. Sorry if you couldn't take it.

I also loved me enough to confront when things weren't quite right or adding up.

You should love me even more for being smart enough to figure stuff out so quickly.

All things can be worked out and worked on when there is honesty. Hiding things is a lie, manipulaton and a mess.

God will not bless a relationship that is full of messes not trying to be cleaned up.

No one can clean up your mess for you. But others are willing to help YOU take responsibility for it and love you through it.

You are not the bad person, you just need help with some serious problems. We all do sometimes.

I love the core of your heart. I hope you find it and decide to be true to it.

I've had something for you since October *2008*. It has never been sent because you've never been ready for it.

Did you really put in 100%? 50? I failed to believe what you did give was your best. I know you have so much more to give.

I hope you find the ambition to show that 100% someday.

It's easier to step out then to Step up.

I stayed to work it out. You added another bailout to your long list.

I never believed any justification you told me. Just so you know.

Because I loved you I will always want love for you.

Stop existing and LIVE!!

I have no regrets with you.

I will always haunt you. Your dreams. Your hopes. You will wish she (all of them) was me. ALWAYS. And that  hole in your heart will always make me sad :(

I will always be a champion for your success and happiness :)

Now  I will now let you go. Only because I HAVE to.


Weary and worn I took a window seat to focus on the beauty through the glass.
Hoping to briefly forget the ache in my back and in my feet, I down and closed my eyes for a few quick
moments and said to myself:
“Will I ever be enough?  Will I ever measure up?  To who am I worthy enough for?”
I turned my head and glanced at the window… and there she was, the woman I wanted to be.
I smiled half heartedly and she smiled back kind of embarrassed at my thoughts of her.  Her eyes were
open with understanding and a general love that I could feel to my very core. Her smile was simple yet
magnetic. Her lips were full as if they wanted to share love and wisdom and hope.  Her hair was wavy
and curly at the same time with a band pulled back keeping her curly bangs from hanging in her face. 
 There was experience in her face and although fleeting I saw the shadows of   tears and pain and the
brightness of hope and laughter.  This woman has lived and this woman has loved and she wore her life
about her for the entire world to see, unedited, unaltered, raw and pure.   Our gazes locked and I could
feel the urging from her to come out from behind the glass and live the life I was meant to live.  I raised
my hand in a wave and slowly pressed it against the glass. Her hand found mine on the glass as well and
as I turned to go she disappeared in the window.   For a brief moment,  through the reflection of the
glass,  I connected with the woman I am supposed to be.

Thursday, June 21, 2007

Let Go and Not Fall

Able to stand yet not willing to leap
wanting to jump but my footing I keep

To risk shattered heart or be busted and broken
not sure of the price for offering my tokens.

I'm poor in success of the strength that I lack
to not offer my pearls or keep them held back.

watching him live within her arms
knowing he gazes on her favored charms.

The torment within raging throughout my veins
wanting to pull on the bridle, but instead drop the reins.

no understanding of life's intercept
many nights wondering why as I lay and I wept.

How long should one heart really endure
with feelings so raw and emotions so pure?

Wanting to run at a speedy rate
and to rescue from a self created fate

is there no way to let go and not fall?
must it be everything or nothing, winner take all?

I play the fool this truth I know
my addiction is fixed to see his smile glow.

I fear I have failed and fallen from grace
never to own the smile on his face.

Steady and stable, reinforced where there's slack
his measure of caring brings my soul back on track.

taking all of the portion he has for me
knowing there's more of what I failed to see.

Believing his call isn't fate in the wind
knowing such treasure, my heart starts to mend.

Strengthened and confident, tall and elite
wanting to jump yet, my footing I keep.

Monday, January 8, 2007

Contemplate Eternity

How can you contemplate eternity?
For it has forever existed and will ever exist.

From our first cries on earth to our last breath
Back into eternity our spirits came into being
Long before it rests within the body we host for it.

Eternity is never changing and never stayed.
Yet it is ever changing and always stayed.

Eternity is with us with each waking moment
And each sleeping hour.
We hold hands with eternity as we
Dance in the sun and rain and cry through the joy and pain.

Eternity influences our choices that map our earthly course
with its twists and turns that lead through the roads of life.

Sometimes, those roads lead us to nowhere.
Other times it leads us to a placid lake mirroring the creator’s
reflections of his personal artwork.

Eternity claims us during our hurt, weary, anxious or ill times
It seems to escape us in times of laughter and peace yet it remains
Constant each moment.

We travel along this earthy existence forgetting that
Eternity indeed is our constant companion:
as we are now, As we were before and as we always will be.

Numbers cannot account for its magnanimous existence
Nor can a clock stop its fortitude in perseverance to carry on.

You may not see, feel or hear eternity
Eternity has never or will never cease to exist.
We, you and I, are eternity and just like eternity we will always be.

Saturday, December 30, 2006


The soul can tell and can't rely
when lips speak half truths and entire lies

What hugs try to hide, the eyes convey
what the heart knows inside and the words don't say

When the game is complete do we tremble in fear?
Who do you stand with when the smoke is all cleared?

This childish game we insist to play
is that what keeps us close each day?

Hearts lie shattered and bleeding inside
as red doves that have dropped with a shot from the sky.

Yet drops from a shattered heart make no sound
but still are like rubies spilling to the ground.

The heart and the soul you can't hear them cry
when your lips and your touch hide the unspoken lies.


Shaken breath, rolling tears , drowning in a sea of fears.
Truths unspoken can surely calm, the haunting wreckage of the storm.

Drifting in a ocean of ignorance, searching for the life vest to take a stance.
Portioned out in limited amounts, going north, east, west, and never south

In pieces and parts and parts and specs, where you are is what your heart reflects.
Ever standing at your back, hoping to bring what you feel you lack.

While you continue to travel on, next time you seek will I gone?
Not knowing if to go or stay, living that pressure every day.

Waiting to search, searching to find, trying to catch up from behind
When you turn around and I’m not there, will you come from me, or just not care?

Trying to created larger pieces of you, to have more and to hold on to
Always longer than should have been ,wishing you here again and again.

Feeling you go before you leave, knowing you’re not really here with me.
Standing together yet, miles apart, being out of this moment from the very start.

Not feeling a chance, not willing to try, longing for hope and coming up dry
Scrounging for seconds and finding some, then searching for moments that never come.

Unable to build hours of memories true, unable to build true moments with you.
You've close your heart within yourself, I've placed my heart back on the shelf.

KMD 2006©


Thursday, December 7, 2006

U vs YOU (1,000 Michaels)

U vs You

Toe to toe, face to face
You fight your fears in a state of grace.

One on one and man to man
Willing to fight, ready to stand

1,000 Mikeys standing strong
Some must die, and some belong

Each one armed with sword and shield
Stepping onto the battle field

A man of love vs. man felt failed
Both keep their hearts within a jail

The heart of love longing to be free
The failed heart rests complacently

Man of Pride vs. Humility
One can’t live on, who will it be?

Both cannot survive within
Humility dies where pride begins

A man of stone vs. man of Steele
Each knowing how the other feels

Desperately struggling to survive
But if one wins then the other dies

So many pieces of ones self
Who’s to be upon the shelf?

Judgment is hard of who will be
And kill off so many parts of me

Raging, grabbing, blocking stabbing
Coming down with heavy blow

Searching, pleading, soul lies bleeding
Not knowing when or where to go.

When the battle ends and the smoke is cleared
Which Mike will parish? Which stands revered?

Each day in the mirror when you search your eyes
You decide which Mikey dies.

~ Karyn Dudley© December 2006